The pain of being shy…Days of December #1

This is my first “Days of December” venture in commitment to blogging, self discipline if you will. As it has been most of my life.

After saying yes to a photo-walk with other photographers in Georgetown my stomach started to ache as the days grew nearer.

This morning I changed the yes to a maybe.

Off work at 11:30 and that put me where I needed to be an hour and 15 minutes early. I took photos on my own. I was done and gone and home by the time it started…

I tend to feel a bit more than overwhelmed around new people, so much so that I end up in tears and thus I avoid social situations like this one.

I cannot tell you how many times I have done this… found a group of people who have similar interests, said yes I will go and backed out. I want to NOT be this person that lives in my body, I want to be outgoing.

There is no social anxiety in any of this at all, I can walk in downtown Seattle, in the malls, in a casino where there are crowds but where I am required to participate, well that’s just not happening.

Well, to continue this rambling from my tear filled eyes, regret that I do not have the intestinal fortitude to follow through on things plagues me. If I have a friend that will go with me, I am very ok…but alone?? I can also meet 1 person… one on one in a public place.

I have always been a duckling, following the leader, guided by someone who will walk ahead and I am expected to follow. What I have always wanted though, is someone to hold my hand and realize I am not a duckling.

Today I am frustrated with me. I was going to take Mama out to get our nails done but i changed into my jammies at 2 p.m. and said screw it.

I said I would choose a photo, one each day of December…this one is a cafe in Georgetown that I see every day on my way into Seattle. I have only had the opportunity to hit the stop light green twice since taking this route north. While at the light I look left onto 13th Ave and there it sits…Ground Control.

My mind wanders every single time I see this place, I can hear David Bowie in my head and the only lyrics I can never sing but know them like my own nose when I hear them:

I’m stepping through the door

And I’m floating in a most peculiar way

And the stars look very different today.

Ground Control to Major Tom

Your circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Can you hear me, Major Tom?

Can you hear me, Major Tom?

Can you hear me, Major Tom?

Can you….

Now when I see this… I will equate it with falling privately on my face then telling the world because I know there are more of you out there like me. Its ok to cry, and be angry with setbacks, Lord knows I am today…but don’t let it last… look for something new and try again. Okay? I love you!! I get it!!

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