Joy, Pain and Wanting more than you are allowed to have…

I had the absolute pleasure of spending time with my best friend. The laughter, the conversations, the goofiness along with the seriousness was wonderful!

When I think of my time with him i think of lifting a handful of sand, bringing it to my face and looking at the beautiful crystal clear grains reflecting anything they are around mixed in with clouded or black grains that seem to have more substance. As I hold the beauty in my palm the grains slip between my fingers, a slight wind will blow it away; sunlight will fade to black, reflecting nothing.

You can no more enjoy time with someone if you beg it to stand still than you can the beauty of sand taken from the element it was made to inhabit.

My time with him is always too brief, always jam packed with things to do and places to go together, memories to make. But yesterday we took time to do something we had yet to do together…we stopped, we sat together, we listened to the waves roll in. We stopped before the Lord, enjoying His creation, the two of us, best friends holding hands.

I have always had a few tears while he was here, sensing distress over his leaving, for i do so adore and relish him in my life. However, I had a meltdown in his arms last night, and even though it seemed like I was angry that he had to leave, it was not anger but my stupid heart fearing abandonment. I know how he feels, i do not doubt that at all, his hand slipping into mine as we walk through the mall, his opening each door i walk though, his wanting need to make me happy, all of that shows me how he feels. What i fear is that it will be another 10 months without the most tender and gentle person i have encountered in my entire life.

As i sobbed he held me so tight until i quieted, then as i began to breathe again he ran his fingers through my hair to soothe me the floodgates opened….again.

Why do i have to be so stupidly emotional?

Dear God…. this is hard, y’know?? Yeah I know You do but sometimes i have to ask.

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